The classes are suspended... the rain is pouring so hard outside... and there seems to be a hole in my heart.

Yesterday, i went to Makati to pass a resume.  I was accompanied by someone so dear to me and i've got a chance to meet his uncle who is a lawyer and two of his college friends.  It was raining so hard and we need to walk from the greenbelt carpark to rufino street.  Despite my 21/2-inch heels, skirt and stockings... i manage to walk happily in the rain.

It was really a wonderful feeling being with someone you love.  Even the most uncomfortable moments seems to be a joyful experience.  But after dinner, i really need to admit to him that my feet are killing me... No amount of laughter can make me forget the excruciating pain of my feet.  But to my surprise he gave me a foot massage during our drive home... for me that is one of the most loving thing to do.

My life could have been complete... what more can i ask for... but i don't know, there seems to be so many things running in my head. 

Beng in Makati reminds me of the things in the past... of people I've known who really rocked my world and until now i am harboring the pain of missing the answers to my questions... it haunts me even if i have convinced myself that i have gotten over all those things.  I wished I had known... I wished I can just believe the words of reassurance... but logic permits me not.

I guess it is affecting me now... there is a pattern in my life... i wish the cycle will stop...

According to psychology, human being will always go back to the unfulfilled stage... maybe that is the reason why there is always missing in my life.  I need answers to my questions in order to complete me...

The quests for the answer starts today. 

Ever had one of those moments when you share a subjectively profound experience with someone over email, and all you get in reply is "thanks"--nothing more.

Sometime it gives me the impression that I have just rudely entered their day and they give a short, amiable, safe answer like "thanks" to give you the impression that they have read it and move on to the next mail.  Makes me wonder why I bothered to send the mail in the first place. 

Perhaps it's the best thing they could do under their very hectic circumstances.  But we all know that if it is really important, people will give time to it.  The rest are simply...the rest.

The funny question is, why do I do it? 

The answer: To connect. 

In the billions of people in the world, not everyone will understand and accept you.  That's why it's a blessing to have real friends.  It gives me a great sense of gratitude to some people who really went out of their way to listen to me--Nanay, Ate Flora, Ike, George, Rhett, Peter, Alvin, Mych, Emma, Ray, Carol, Shai, Rizza, and most especially, Lei.  These people were neither born to for my emotional well-being, nor did they understand me all the time, and yet, in certain circumstances in my life, they were there.

They were just...there.  And their PRESENCE was the best gift I they have given me.  Whether it was in the email, or text, or coffee conversations, they made their presence felt.  Not just automatic responses, they actually made you feel that you are talking to a person and not an answering machine. 

And to them, I say, THANK YOU.

F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.


He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."


We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.


But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.


Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.


When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.


He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.


While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,


"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.


Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.


Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.


He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."


By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.


I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.


"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.


I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."


I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted
today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."


I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."


FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the
company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.


And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed,
don't you think?
So what is behind the story?


Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE
(Y)OU

"Merry Christmas, Bro. Reden."

The text message came from Alvin Barcelona, a former band member of Freddie Aguilar who, in some miraculous way, continues to walk the earth after being diagnosed with cancer ten years ago. Bro. Alvin Barcelona is now a full time Catholic minister. Among the holiday text greetings that I received yesterday, Bro. Alvin's made me smile.

"Bro. Reden". Heh. A moniker if I ever heard one.

The truth of the matter is I spent most of 2004 by that moniker: I facilitated retreats and recollections as a "freelance consultant". It was also the year when I started writing for a Catholic inspirational magazine under international charismatic speaker Bo Sanchez.

Well for a time he had enjoyed the freelance life; having his own time, having enough money to pay the bills and having enjoyed the simple life with his wife. As a matter of fact, he had this bible that he bought after his first retreat gig and confessed that he wanted to be full-time in the ministry. He especially enjoyed the retreats he gave to the graduating students of Benilde primarily due to its theme: discerning life' purpose through answering God's call.

For a time, Bro. Reden was certain that ministering through retreats was the going to be the job for him, and alongside with him is a writing career in its infancy. He thought about the possibility of facilitating workshops and writing books.

But came November and December of 2004 and he found himself jobless again. The school retreats were off season, and he started thinking about the regular salary scheme an employee gets. December was depressing because he hardly had a cent to buy anyone a gift, including his wife, Lei.

So at the beginning of 2005, he decided to seek employment again and for the 2nd time, he became a call centre agent. Bro. Reden became IP Relay Operator 2418—someone who provided services for American deaf people…and Nigerian scammers.

By the following month, IP Relay Operator 2418 continued to write for the magazine and as if God hearing his every need, IPRO 2418 was contacted by Benilde and once more Bro. Reden restarted his ministry that briefly ended in April of the same year. Apparently, Bro. Reden's ministry depended on the availability of one school, and was unable to market his ministry so that other interested parties may know of his services.

April to May was similar to last year's November and December: barren. But by the end of May, Bro. Reden became Sir Reden once more when hired by East Asia College and Far Eastern University. Financially, it became considerably lighter for Sir Reden and his wife and he eventually and unconsciously buried the ministry at the back of his mind.

By November of this year, Sir Reden was rehired by University of Asia and the Pacific. He felt extremely blessed as he took it as a sign from life that he was going back on the track of recovery (more on that in the next entry).

At present, I feel more at peace (everyone would feel more at peace at UAP if you experience its physical environment) with my work although it poses a big challenge on my part. The working environment is more conducive and I have the technology to back up my teaching. My lifestyle has subdued to a level that my finances are manageable. But after receiving that text message from Alvin, I realized one thing:

I miss Bro. Reden.

He was a part that brought the best out of who I was. He was the man of faith; even if that faith was standing on water. He was the man who served, the man who cared about others. He was, in spite of his many faults, a man of God.

I still believe that time will come that he will come out once more. And this time, he'll stay for good. Among the many incarnations of who I am, Bro. Reden was the closest to who I really am, and who I really want to become.

It's just a matter of time.

 

Sleeping Beauty is dreaming… she is with her prince charming strolling in a meadow.  It is late in the afternoon and the sun is starting to set which gives the sky its red-orange glow.  From afar, they can see the cattle grazing in the luscious green grass.  It is breezy afternoon and Beauty’s long black hair was being tousled by the wind but she doesn’t mind because she is busy listening to the interesting story of her prince.  They are nearing the river; her prince is holding her hand as if he doesn’t want to let go.  Near the river are wild flowers, her prince bend to pick some flowers, he arranged it to a bouquet and offered them to her.  Delighted, she looks at him, smiles and say thank you.  Their eyes meet and seem to speak a language, which only the two of them understood.  In that instance it seems that they are the only creatures there, they are unmindful of the chirping of the birds around them, the fluttering of the butterflies, and the sound of the waters that flows in the river.  It seems that the universe revolve around each other and in that magical moment… they kiss.

 

After the kiss, Sleeping Beauty wakes up… she is lying in a bed of newspaper in that stinking barong-barong.  It is the end of the day, her prince charming arrives riding in a Pedicab in stead of a galloping white horse.  He is carrying flowers and leaves from the neighbor’s backyard that is intended for her to cook as their dinner. He is sweaty and smelly after a day’s work.  He complains about some of his passenger and the other drivers to his wife.  He reaches out to his wife who is not feeling better and gives the money he sweats about all day.  An amount, that is not enough to feed seven mouths in a day and to pay the debt in the nearby sari-sari store.  Secretly, he keeps a little amount for his rendezvous with his barkada after dinner. After two bottles of Ginebra, he will go home.  Wife will smell the alcohol and she will be angry because their money is not enough for their daily needs and still he has the nerve to drink.  He feels that he needs that to relieve the stress he had the whole day.  They will argue and shout and curse at each other. The kids will wake up and cry. They will shout to their kids to stop crying and just go back to sleep.  The neighbors hear their argument will shout to them to just sleep but they will continue.  Then, they will just think that it is impossible for them to understand each other and will decide to sleep.  While sleeping, unconsciously the wife rests her head on his chest and he put his arms around her.  In the morning the wife wakes up, prepares breakfast, then wakes the husband and kids.  The husband has a hangover and the wife prepares coffee for him…

 

So, do you still believe in “…that they live happily ever after”?

 

***The Keys to Your Heart***

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
http://blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath

 

Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I’ll get away with it